Q: You went to Universal Studios? How was Harry Potter World? By the time the broom lifted me off the ground for the second ride around, I just knew breakfast was pulling an Eggs Benedict Arnold, and that I was in deep, deep trouble. The hard part should’ve been over. Our newly minted 21-year-old hatedContinue reading “ASK A STRAY DAD: EMOTION SICKNESS”
Author Archives: J. Effmann
ASK A STRAY DAD: AWAKE IN ALBUQUERQUE
Q: What time is it? What are we doing up? It’s 4:35 on a Tuesday morning. It was even earlier when my brain shook me awake, but it took me a while to look at the clock because first I had to unpack that recurring dream where I really have to use the bathroom butContinue reading “ASK A STRAY DAD: AWAKE IN ALBUQUERQUE”
ASK A STRAY DAD: DROPPING THE BALL
Q: How did you ring in the New Year? A: We made even less of a deal out of it than we normally do. In an average year we let talk show hosts boozily introduce singers we can’t stand while we binge-eat Christmas cookies and donate to causes we love but have totally forgotten aboutContinue reading “ASK A STRAY DAD: DROPPING THE BALL”
ASK A STRAY DAD: HOLIDAY PREP
Q: ARE YOU ALL READY FOR CHRISTMAS? A: If by ready you mean, “Does it look like Santa’s been using your place as a safehouse for the past 6 weeks, and are your children about to be buried beneath an avalanche of presents—none of which will be a surprise to any of them?” then yes.Continue reading “ASK A STRAY DAD: HOLIDAY PREP”
ASK A STRAY DAD: BLOCKED
Q: SO, WHY HAVEN’T YOU BEEN WRITING? It’s so sweet of my attention-starved psyche to pretend someone’s actually been wondering this. You see— NOT SO MUCH A QUESTION AS BERATING YOU FOR WHATEVER THIS AIMLESS, FRUITLESS, SPINELESS PERIOD OF YOURS IS. Do you think you could at least let me finish? You’re right: This is—hands-down—theContinue reading “ASK A STRAY DAD: BLOCKED”
ASK A STRAY DAD: DOCTORED LYRICS
Q: So, how was your weekend? A: On Thursday a doctor in Ruidoso induced my sister-in-law, to try and evict the twins that had been living rent-free in her uterus for the past 9 months. As the Cytotec opened the front door and gave notice that Baby A and Baby B were to vacate theContinue reading “ASK A STRAY DAD: DOCTORED LYRICS”
ASK A STRAY DAD: HOT AIR
Q: What’s the climate like up/down there? A: Well… Portland: Altitude: 50 feetTotal Precipitation, 2021: 35.58 inchesToday’s High Temperature: 68 Albuquerque:Altitude: 5900 feetTotal Precipitation, 2021: 5.50 inchesToday’s High Temperature: 92 The first thing to hit me was the altitude. One week into living at 6,000 feet I brushed my molars too vigorously and blacked out onContinue reading “ASK A STRAY DAD: HOT AIR”
ASK A STRAY DAD: SELF-DEFENSE
Q: So, uh, what the hell, man? A: Wow, thanks for asking! This stupid blog started as a way for me to figure out how to write about being away from my family while living and working in (and making fun of) New York. And then the world went to hell and, well, we allContinue reading “ASK A STRAY DAD: SELF-DEFENSE”
ASK A STRAY DAD: BRANCHES OF SELF-GOVERNMENT
Because I’m so damned pissed at the world right now. That’s why. Q: So what the hell’s been— A: Shhh. We’ll get back to that sometime soon. Meanwhile, here’s a thing that happened after my general revulsion at all the horribleness (and horrible people) in the world started doomscrolling through an entire feed of inspirationalContinue reading “ASK A STRAY DAD: BRANCHES OF SELF-GOVERNMENT”
ASK A STRAY DAD: WEAR AND TEAR / FRIDAY
We made it to the end. And what have we learned? Probably nothing. 5 Days, 5 Ways to Style the GrandPro Rally, Day 5: Does this feel like an overcorrection? Absolutely. And what, exactly, were you thinking? That you saw a couple of friends wandering around their neighborhoods in their wedding dresses, just as aContinue reading “ASK A STRAY DAD: WEAR AND TEAR / FRIDAY”
Ask a Stray Dad 